Introduction
In the Beginning

"If something terrible happens, God forbid," our non-Jewish daughter-in-law anguished to our son, "What will I do? I've never been to a Jewish funeral!" Our son was about to travel across the country for his father's bypass surgery.

It was Debbie's discomfort in not knowing what to expect or what was expected of her that convinced me to write this book. I wrote it for her, for her family and friends, for my children's non-Jewish in-laws, and for all those with Jewish connections who want to understand and know more about the Jewish experience. My goal is to provide basic information about Judaism and things Jewish in an easy-to-understand format, and so help non-Jews and others who want to know feel more comfortable when attending Jewish events and interacting with Jewish people.

As both the facilitator and administrator for the Oregon Board of Rabbis' Introduction to Judaism Course, I have worked with more than 800 adult students since I began writing this book. I work with them still. They come to the course seeking information about Judaism, for many reasons. Some are becoming Jewish, some are entering into an intermarriage or are already in one, some are beginning to reclaim their Jewish heritage after reaching adulthood. Regardless of why they come, they all are seeking to increase their comfort level with the Jewish experience. As I have worked with them, it has become clear that their families and friends are seeking to be comfortable, too.

I chose "Welcome to the Family!" as the title for my book because it was written as a personal welcome to you as you seek information about the Jewish experience, for whatever reason. I also chose it because I have extended this welcome in my own life, in my own family.

Through the marriages of our children, my husband and I have welcomed three new children into our family, none of whom was born to Judaism. Since Debbie, Tracey, and Bill have been with us, I have been both partner in and observer of the changes in their lives as they have blended their backgrounds with ours. Over the years there have been countless discussions about what it means to be Jewish—with them, with members of their families, and with our grown up granddaughter Mandy, as she has come to terms with her Catholic upbringing and our family's beliefs. We have discussed everything from, "So why don't you guys believe in Jesus?" (from 11-year-old Mandy) to "What do you believe about life after death?"

I have watched and participated as Tracey adjusted to her life as a Jew by choice and as Debbie and Bill have learned about and joined our family's Jewish observances and customs. I am grateful that they have felt comfortable asking questions, and even more grateful that they are providing those answers for their children. I kvell (Yiddish for take great pleasure) over the Jewishness they now create in their own homes. Most of all, I appreciate the respect they, and their families have always given to our Jewish heritage.

These new families are forging a new kind of experience, unlike the ones in which either parent was raised. I believe in their future, and in those of so many young families like them. I hope their futures will be enhanced by this book, and that I will be privileged to continue as a part of their families' memories and Jewish experience.

As I look back on my earliest memories, many of them I shared with my Bubbe (Yiddish for grandmother). I remember stories she told me about the old country and her family when my father was a boy. I remember Yiddish words she used. She almost always called me Shayna Punim (pretty face) instead of Lois. (When she did use my name, her immigrant accented speech turned Lois into Louisl.) I remember the smell of chicken soup on the stove and roasting chicken in the oven, the taste of her unmatchable meat knishes, and kasha dripping with melted chicken fat. I remember the family gathered around the huge dining room table on Shabbat or on holidays, with me and my cousins mixing the flavors of soda pop in our glasses. All these memories form a delicious and sizable part of my Jewish heritage. Most of all, I remember the importance of family Bubbe instilled in me both directly and indirectly by her own example, and by the values she nurtured in my father which my father passed on to me.

Bubbe wasn't Jewish just by virtue of the fact that she was observant, belonged to a synagogue, and was raising a Jewish family, though all of those were true. Her Jewishness was who she was as much a fact of her existence as her hair, eyes, or skin. She simply was, and the role model she created is with me still, even though she is not.

Now I am the Bubbe, living in the same city in which I grew up with my grandmother. Like her I have six children (three by birth, three by marriage to my own) and a wonderful husband with whom I share my life. I love my husband, children, and grandchildren with an intensity (although not a style) that matches hers. And like her I am Jewish—all the time, inside out, to-the-very-core-of-my-being, Jewish.

Very much unlike Bubbe, however, I am an integral part of the greater society in which I live, which is not exclusively Jewish. I have many interests outside my home and family. And I have chosen to share those interests with others beyond my intimate circle.

Neither this book nor my need to write it would have made much sense to my grandmother. She would not have understood the assimilation or intermarriage that make it relevant. She assumed that all Jews already know all about things Jewish, and that anyone who wasn't Jewish simply wouldn't want to know. In her day, that may have been true. Today, however, it's not. All Jews do not already know about things Jewish, and people who are not Jewish do want to know.

Current statistics tell us that more than half of American Jews getting married today wed spouses not born to Judaism. Welcome to the Family! was written primarily for the non-Jewish part of those statistics and for their families, who may be unfamiliar with the Jewish experience. Maybe one of the following describes you: You are not Jewish and...

• Your Jewish coworker has just become a new father. With great joy, he invites you to join his family for the circumcision, the actual circumcision, of his newborn son. You think to yourself, He's got to be kidding. What's this all about?
• Your daughter has become engaged to a Jewish man, and informs you that not only are they going to have a traditional Jewish wedding in a synagogue, but that she is going to convert to Judaism. What does that mean for her and for your precious relationship with her?
• You have just invited your new Jewish neighbors over for an informal, spur-of-the-moment barbeque. They tell you they would love to come, but they have certain food restrictions because they keep kosher. You haven't a clue what that means. What are you supposed to do now?
• Your sister's Jewish father-in-law just died. Not only does she expect you to come to the funeral, she wants you to come to her in-laws' house while the family gathers. What is expected of you? What should you bring?
• It is Christmas. Should you invite your Jewish friends or your extended family to your celebration?

Or maybe the following scenario makes even more sense: you are Jewish and...

• One of your non-Jewish friends keep asking you questions about Judaism that you don't know how to answer. How do you find the answers for your friend and, even more important, for yourself?

These scenarios are real. All have happened to people I know and countless others whom I don't. Situations like these produce uncertainty and often are fraught with anxiety. We want to do the right thing and not offend our new in-laws, our family or our friends whose customs are unfamiliar.

Let's start with a few pointers that may help your understanding as you read:

• The Judaism I describe refers predominantly to contemporary Judaism found in the United States.
• The Jewish community is commonly divided into two geographically based ancestries: Askenazi Jews, whose ancestors came from Eastern Europe, and Sephardi Jews, whose ancestors came from Spain and the southern Mediterranean.
• Whenever historical dates are used, they are followed by the letters B.C.E., meaning before the common era, or C.E., meaning the common era. Jews commonly do not use the Christian terms B.C. or A.D., which are comparable time periods to B.C.E. and C.E.
• Similarly, what Jews call the Bible refers loosely to those books Christians call the Old Testament. That which Christians refer to as the New Testament is not part of Jewish scripture.
• I have used both he and she throughout the book in an attempt to be gender-sensitive.
• I have tried to present Jewish beliefs and practices as objectively and honestly as I can, based on my own knowledge and research. It should be noted, however, that many things described herein are my own viewpoints not definitive, authoritative facts.

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